Cruelity Hour
by Tasumi Ashiru
Summary: For those of you who remember GCF9... My old website... I pulled out this sarcastic bit of humor, Kuja bashing, Zidnae bashing Vivi bashing and garnet bashing .. A small warning contains some Shonen Ai.. of the unreturned kind and this is my first attempt


Cruelty Hour  
  
A FF9 Humor Page  
  
Act 1: Starring...  
  
  
  
Kuja: I know I am beautiful.. You don't have to tell  
  
me.. But I will kill you if you call me a girl..  
  
Zidane: Do I have to do this?  
  
Vivi: Are you sure we should trust him? *Points to Kuja*  
  
Me, the voice from Hell  
  
  
  
Me: one day... Vivi, Kuja and Zidane were sent *poof* to modern day Gaia.  
  
Kuja: Mind being a lil careful on the poof things.. *dusts himself off*  
  
Zidane: Iwweeeee!! I have cooties... * gets off of his landing spot on to of Kuja.*  
  
Kuja: I do not have cooties... *gets up making a pout*  
  
Me: Yes I had all of them removed...  
  
Zidane: That's good.. Phew... I don't have Kuja cooties crawling all over me..  
  
Kuja: Would you rather have beautiful me instead?  
  
Zidane: You're supposed to be my brother, Sicko...  
  
Kuja: We were lab creations.. Therefore you can lov--  
  
Me: Weird... Anyway moving on... Since they were all unemployed, we *The dark voices* decided to get them Jobs at KFC (Kentucky Fried Chocobo)  
  
Kuja: Me.. Work... No no no.. You have it all wrong.. *Points to Zidane and Vivi* they work.. I make myself beautiful all day.  
  
Zidane: Kuja.. Just work and like it..  
  
Vivi: Wow I like the uniforms.. *Puts on the yellow shirt and Chocobo hat.*  
  
Zidane: Heh.. a chocobo with a tail...*Puts his uniform on* WARK!!  
  
Kuja: ...*Holding the uniform* Me wear this.. I do not think so.. That is cruelty.  
  
Me: Note the title of the show...  
  
Kuja: Do I have to wear this... *Whines.*  
  
Me: Yes. So get over it.  
  
Kuja: WAHHHH!!! *Comes out in the chocobo hat* It's flattening my hair.  
  
Vivi: *laughing* Ha ha ha ..  
  
Kuja: What is soooo funny?  
  
Zidane: You look like a cross dressing chocobo...  
  
Kuja: I am not a cross dressing chocobo!!!!!!  
  
  
  
Cruelty Hour  
  
A FF9 Humor Page  
  
Act 2: Would you like fries with that??  
  
  
  
Kuja: I have to work with these fools.  
  
Zidane: Cut it out Kuja.  
  
Vivi: .... Yeah Kuja stop being a sour puss.  
  
Kuja: Meee a sour puss?? Never *scowls*  
  
  
  
Me: Day two, Kuja and Zidane and Vivi went to work got to learn about  
  
Interactions with customers.  
  
Manager: (AKA: Me) wark like a chocobo... Kuja..  
  
Kuja: I do not.. wark..  
  
Me: ohh come on Kuja..  
  
Vivi: Yeah.. We like work..  
  
Kuja: I dont. Wark *deadpan voice* welcome to Kentucky Fried Chocobo how may I help you..  
  
Poor Customer: *stepping to the counter* I would like two choco sticks  
  
Kuja: ahhh good choice you will be having choco fries with that two?  
  
Poor Customer: No.. Just the sticks..  
  
Kuja: but the fries are good.  
  
Poor Customer: I just want the sticks.  
  
Kuja: you can't have them without the fries. Next customer?  
  
Poor Customer: Fine I will have the damn fries you cross dressing chocobo.  
  
Kuja: *Throws the fries and chicken at the customer* There next person..  
  
Manager: Kuja, be nicer.. to the customers.  
  
Kuja: But.. but she didn't want fries. I *had* to make her want them *sulks*  
  
Manager: Vivi your turn..  
  
Vivi: Okay...  
  
Sarah: Hi I want a box of choco nugets and a small order of choco fries.  
  
Vivi: wark!!! Welcome to Kentucky fried Chocobo.. Can I help you?  
  
Sarah: I would like a box of nuggets and a small fry  
  
Vivi: Just one fry?  
  
Sarah: No an order of fries..  
  
Vivi: Large Fries?  
  
Sarah: A small order of fries.  
  
Vivi: Is that all.. okay *using the cash register* okay $1.50  
  
Sarah: For the nuggets?  
  
Vivi: You didn't say you wanted nuggets.. *uses the cash register* okay $2.30  
  
Sarah: * hands the cash* There you go..  
  
Vivi: *hands her the bag with only the nuggets*  
  
Sarah: *looking in the bag* where are my fries??  
  
Vivi: Did you want fries or nuggets?  
  
Sarah: *shaking head* Both...  
  
Vivi: Ohhhhh!!! *gets the fries* there you go. *bows head* I am sorry about that miss they are on me.  
  
Sarah: That's ok... *hands him the money* it was nice of you to think of me though.. Good luck at your job. *waves and leaves*  
  
Vivi: Bai bai!!!  
  
  
  
Cruelty Hour  
  
A FF9 Humor Page  
  
Act 3: Of Vanity and Freaky Things  
  
  
  
Kuja: I am beautiful. *Fixing his hair in a full length mirror*  
  
Zidane: You wish..  
  
Kuja: I wish I was more beautiful..  
  
Vivi: Could he get any worse?  
  
Zidane: Do you really wanna Know?  
  
**AND**  
  
THE VOICES FROM HELL  
  
Kuja: Oh Romeo oh Romeo where are you, you sexy devil ?  
  
Vivi: ... uhh Kuja.. are you okay?  
  
Kuja: I am just peachy.. Do you think my girlish figure is okay ?  
  
Zidane: If you get any more girlie Kuja I am filling out your college application as a female..  
  
Kuja: But it is so hard to hide that 'tail' of mine..  
  
Zidane: Then show it like I do.  
  
Kuja: Who ever know you were such an exhibitionist.  
  
Zidane: Yeah my tail is quite sexy.. Chicks love it..  
  
Kuja: I do too. Can I pet it ? *pets Zidane's tail*  
  
Zidane: ...ummmn ahhh .. NO!! *shakes head* My 'brother' is a pervert..  
  
Vivi: ... you're *both* sick..  
  
Zidane: How do you figure?  
  
Vivi: you are the one who was letting him grope your 'tail'  
  
The voices from Hell : Enough with the Yaoi.. this is is a PG fic..  
  
Zidane: So we can have wild freaky sex with the voices?  
  
The Voices: ... No...  
  
Zidane and Kuja: Damn..  
  
The Voices: *twitching* Uhhh... Okay... whatever...  
  
Zidane: oooooo We get to do whatever we want?  
  
The Voices: uhhhh... No  
  
Vivi: ..... Damn...  
  
The Voices: VIVI !! I Thought you were on our side...  
  
Vivi: I was, but but...  
  
Kuja: Viv's having convies about his bowel movement problem..  
  
Vivi: ....I said but...  
  
Kuja: ... exactly your butt.  
  
The Voices: STOP IT !!!  
  
All: AWWWW!!!  
  
  
  
Cruelty Hour  
  
A FF9 Humor Page  
  
Act 4: Ode to Pain... ** Ouchies **  
  
  
  
Kuja: I'm beautiful.. I'm beautiful I'm beautiful damn it.  
  
Zidane: *under drugs* Yes you are..  
  
Kuja: I wish I had more of them.. *evil laugh* happy pills..  
  
Zidane: Happy good... *drugged daze*  
  
Kuja: *shakes head* this is gonna be wonderful.. *sarcasticly* dagger is comming soon... ohhh.. What are  
  
you doing here Eiko?  
  
Eiko: *smiles* Nothing... *under her breath* hah ha ha ha .. Serves her right for trying to steal my Zidane!!  
  
**AND**  
  
THE VOICES FROM HELL  
  
Kuja: And thus today.. I will have fun and all of you will be my little actors.. eerrr and actriz.. *rubs his hands together* in my play Sleeping Me.. Since I am beautiful and all..  
  
Vivi: ....Wonderful...  
  
Kuja: Would you rather I make you dress in drag Vivi my love.. ?  
  
Vivi: NO!!!! *runs away*  
  
Zidane: It can't be so bad .. Kuja does it everyday..  
  
Kuja: Bite me tail boy..  
  
Zidane: Ohhh that is what you want..  
  
Kuja: ..... yeah so...  
  
Zidane: Freak...  
  
Kuja: ... I said I am not a freak  
  
Zidane: You are the one who wants me to "bite you"  
  
Kuja: Your the rabid peasant boy.. *Turns to walk away*  
  
Zidane: *grabs Kuja* Say that to my face girlie.  
  
Kuja: You are a rabid tail boy.  
  
Zidane: At least I look male...  
  
Kuja: *sobbing* You big meanie.. Just have to pick on the fact that Garland made me look like a girl.  
  
Zidane: of course Kuja...  
  
Kuja: At least I am better looking and.. I have a bigger.. ummn err Weapon than you..  
  
Zidane: Silver dragon does not count.  
  
Kuja: *shrugs* anyway on with my masterpiece play....  
  
Eiko and Vivi: Lets not and say we did..  
  
  
  
1 Cruelty Hour  
  
A FF9 Humor Page  
  
Act 5: ... A Filler Episode ...  
  
  
  
Kuja: *flicks his hair back* Just I alone am the most beautiful in the world that makes me a canidate for a god.  
  
Zidane: The ever expansive ego of Kuja.  
  
Vivi: Do you suppose it will ever cause his head to blow up?  
  
Zidane: we could only wish  
  
Kuja: I heard that..  
  
Zidane and Vivi: eeeeeeeeepppp! *hide*  
  
**and**  
  
The Voices of Darkness and Deception  
  
  
  
Darkness: Come one, come all to the wonderful play of the year..  
  
Deception: That is my line.  
  
Darkness: No it's not..  
  
Deception: Ohh really...  
  
Darkness: *holding the script for cruelty hour* ...see *shows it* it's mine.. *looks down* ooohh well it is yours.. Sorry..  
  
Deception: I told you... *flicks her hair back*  
  
Darkness: Whatever!  
  
Kuja: Ohh ladies please behave.  
  
Deception: But, she stole my line.  
  
Kuja: Deception.. *Holding her* my lovely *touches her hair* please, just work with her.  
  
Deception: Yes sir..  
  
Kuja: That is a good girl.. *lets her go* Now get away you are wrinkling my clothes  
  
Darkness: Not to mention flatten his hair.  
  
Kuja: Ohh.. poo my hair again.. *sighs* can I never be perfect?  
  
Darkness and Deception: You already are sir.. *bow and leave*  
  
Kuja: *shakes head* these.. are worse than Zorn and Thorn.. At least they were hnn...my evil supporters.  
  
Zidane: I thought you turned good ?  
  
Vivi: Yeah..  
  
Kuja: Ohhh dear me you were listening.. *sarcastically*  
  
Zidane: I am not going to live with an evil freak, let alone act in the same group with an evil freak.  
  
Kuja: Must you be such an insolent tail boy, Zidane. Also remember for future reference... I am not a freak.. *flicks his hair back*  
  
Zidane: Tell that to the fashion police Kuja.  
  
Kuja: *pout* Do you not like thongs?  
  
Zidane: Not when they are on you Kuja...  
  
Kuja: *pouts more* Does no one love me ?  
  
Darkness: I do sire  
  
Deception: So do I.  
  
Kuja: Wonderful.  
  
Darkness and deception: Can we help you in anyway sire. *Cling to Kuja*  
  
Zidane: and my female groupie is?  
  
Vivi: garnet...  
  
Zidane: No.. I wanna groupie..  
  
Kuja: I am the only groupie for you Zidane.  
  
Vivi: Be glad there is only one Kuja.  
  
Zidane: *sob sob* I wanna girl groupie..  
  
Darkness: If you were more evil.. I would be your groupie.  
  
Zidane: But I dun wanna be evil.  
  
Deception: Ohh well.. 


End file.
